KazakhSSR

New Site - Fuck this Place

2007-06-12T04:56:00.000+01:00

Hey there, guys. I'd just like to inform you that I have recently launched a new site with a layout that doesn't look like shit and stuff. Check it out at RevolutionaryZeal.Co.Uk and add it to your favourites, list of RSS feeds... whatever. Atom is fucked, come to think of it... so yeah, RSS2 is probably your best bet.

Mornings are Awful

2007-03-26T03:20:00.000+01:00

Some say that your waking hours define your mood for the rest of the day and, consequently, how the day itself goes. No wonder I'm having such a rough time.

Why do mornings have to be so horrible? No matter how early you wake, or how late you have to leave the house, it's always a rush. I can't think of a single aspect of the whole ordeal that's pleasant. Not one thing. You know how it goes: there's the initial profound lethargy as you struggle to open your eyes (and keep them open), followed by the groan of discontent as you flick the TV on to check a morning programme's clock (because the alarm clock has been stuck on 8:11PM for 8 months). Then there's the morning programme itself.

There's a choice of two, isn't there? Morning programmes, I mean. BBC Breakfast and GMTV. Neither make for particularly pleasant viewing, both in terms of style and content. In the case of Breakfast, it's the colour scheme that really fucks the already annoyed morning me off. Red. Orange. Yellow. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that in the morning, my eyes are a little more sensitive than usual. I think the only phrase that can sum up what I'm saying here is 'IT BURNS'. Of course, the visual torture of Breakfast still beats the mental anguish one endures if they dare flick over to ITV. I'm surprised that GMTV wasn't the one to opt for the depths-of-hell inspired colour scheme that Breakfast uses. Certainly, with its blend of sensationalist news, celeb gossip, middle-aged fuckwads getting angry... and very occasionally the odd legit news story tacked on very briefly, it really is soul-destroying. Think of it like being trapped in a box, with only the Daily Mirror to keep you company. It's that bad.

Once you've dragged yourself away from the televisual agony of the morning shows, you then have to wash and stuff. Oh, and brush your teeth. Is it just me, or is there something in toothpaste that makes you want to vomit? There's something very wrong when that stomach-churning chemical mint aftertaste makes brushing your teeth every bit as much of a chore as it was when you were four years old.

And getting dressed is no more fun, either. Especially when that piece of shit radiator isn't working for whatever reason again, it's teeth-chatteringly cold and the only thing that compels you to put on some clothes- beyond just the cold- is the fact that nudity in public isn't taken very well. By some people, at least. And the whole process is even worse if you've opted to wear something with buttons. Inevitably, you won't have lined them up properly, and will have to undo them and redo them. Probably several times. In the end, you always seem to just end up getting pissed off, throwing the item of clothing in question across the room and pulling on the t-shirt you were wearing for all of the previous week(s), which is still laying on the floor somewhere nearby.

When you're dressed, you're ready to leave. You really have no choice at this point, since inevitably by this point you'll already be incredibly close to running late. Even if you woke up at 5. As for breakfast, there's simply no time for a morning meal. Again, people with the time to eat before leaving the house will cite how beneficial a morning meal is for you. Yeah, tell my boss that when I roll in 10 minutes late every day. And besides, that chemical mint taste still hasn't gone, so whatever you would eat or drink would taste like shit anyway. Well, not actually like shit, but you get the idea.

I think what I'm getting here is that getting up in the morning is purely and utterly counterproductive. Who actually feels good once they're up? Who actually doesn't feel like collapsing after an hour of being on their feet? Nobody I know.

I wish I got paid for doing nothing. That'd be ace.

The NHS is really improving!

2007-02-22T22:07:00.000Z

Ambiguous news headlines are so much fun.

Console gaming is as fun as being raped.

2006-12-30T03:10:00.000Z

Actually, that's a lie: gaming is generally the complete polar opposite to sex in every way. But hey, I don't think I can afford to digress so early. Can I...?

But before this digression happens, I'll try my best to raise the point I have to make. Well, I think I have one, at least. It is that console gaming is generally, from my perspective at least, getting worse- as far as both *what* it is and *how* we get it.

From what I can see, in recent years and especially now with this new, seventh generation of consoles, it has begun to make a series of steps to becoming more like what PC gaming is. Or rather, has begun to make a series of steps to gaining some of the problems associated with PC gaming.

The idea of being able to connect your console to the internet is no bad thing in the slightest, don't get me wrong. But to get updates and patches? One thing I always felt I could always trust in console gaming which I never really held the same feelings about in PC gaming is that the product you'd get would be... well, complete and tested to a large extent. That there wouldn't be any game-crippling pitfalls of incompetent programming or just plain bizarre anomalies that jump out of nowhere and violate you with the waving penis of despair. Obviously, the very existence of patches for console games seems to indicate I was wrong in thinking what I once thought... or at least, I was wrong in applying that train of thought to the seventh generation.

And further expanding on the patch thing, what makes matters worse as far as console games are concerned is that you simply cannot fix the problem yourself. With PC games, you can play with config files, open the console, type a few lines and at least come up with some sort of workaround. Or just download an unofficial patch released by the fan community within a few days of game's release. With console gaming, you obviously can't do this. You're left waiting for the devs to haul their asses into gear. And I don't know about you, but I don't trust in them being particularly quick.

Ich, and then there's all of these first person shooters that seem to be banging about for consoles nowadays. A fundamentally shitty idea. The simple problem is the control system just isn't right for what it's being applied to. The recent memories of PS2 first person shooters are particularly bad. Try sniping... the movement turns out, because of the controller's limitations, to be so jerky that it's like playing a Michael J Fox simulator. Of course, the solution is auto-aim, but where's the skill involved with that? The fact that I could come out #1 on a full server on Battlefield 2: Modern Combat with no experience of the game whatsoever prior must show that something's very wrong. Very wrong.

And then there's the price of the games themselves. Check out Amazon.co.uk and hit in 'Oblivion'. You're looking to pay over double for the Xbox 360 version than you are the PC version. With the problems I've mentioned earlier in mind. But hey- at least it's cheaper than the horrific going rate for N64 carts back in the day, huh? (In retrospect, the N64 was in many ways a heap of shit, by the way.) But surely the lower cost of the consoles themselves negate the cost of the games, right? Well, no. Not if you're going to amass a sizeable collection of games, at least. And even then, there's the practical point that fucks that argument right up anyway: if you're ordering stuff off Amazon, you're going to need to have bought a computer at some point anyway...

Though of course actually receiving a tangible item is not always the only way to buy things. Downloadable content is the wave of the future! Or at least, it could be. It's already gained a foothold as far as smaller plugins and applications are concerned (and, in the case of the Wii, games that have been banging about on the internet ready to be emulated for a decade), but what'd get to me is the idea of someday actually downloading *entire, full games* for your consoles. Not only would you be royally fucked if for some reason you hadn't access to an internet connection, but (and call me old fashioned if you will) I feel it's always nicer to get something more... tangible out of your hard-earned cash. Plus you wouldn't be so fucked if your hard disk exploded; caught fire; became sentient; got sucked into a black hole... or was otherwise rendered useless.

And then there's still a number of those traditional problems of console gaming remaining. Regions, localisation, the fact that Europe gets assfucked 90% of the time... it just seems that it's generally an easier affair with PCs. Buy from anywhere, and it'll work. PAL, NTSC and SECAM seem to have little place, and that's a good thing.

Simply, console gaming should learn to stop sucking real soon.

Be noticed and desired by women...

2006-11-30T01:42:00.000Z

Sorry guys... although it might work for ants, leaving a pheromone trail won't result in chicks swarming over your termite mound.

Neatness: it fucks me off.

2006-11-29T00:42:00.000Z

I won't lie to you here: as far as housekeeping is concerned, I'm a slob, and there's no denying it. Take a step into my house and the first thing you're likely to see is an assortment empty bottles or the remains of last Tuesday's dinner or something. Clothes are thrown around the house lazily, as if I've made multiple expeditions of varying success to the washing machine. I cannot recall actually properly cleaning this place properly in the whole time I've been here. I can't exaclty remember the exact date I turned up here- it was either in the last few days of me being 20 or the first few days of me being 21, but that's not important. What is important is I'm 24 now. Yeah, that's probably not good.

As you can probably tell, I do not exactly condone my sort of lifestyle. But would you not agree that the complete opposite is arguably worse? Take this, for example...

Have you ever been in a house were the lounge looked like it had been cleaned by a 1,000,000 guys in radiation suits wielding tweezers? With a kitchen that looked like a scientific clean room? I'm sure you have. It's almost eerie, isn't it? And you really don't know what to do with yourself either. I mean, when you realise that the spoons have been categorised into size and shape, and then subcatergorised again into what design is on them, you really start to get nervous about the fact that you're standing there, in this microbe-free zone, in a pair of muddy, worn out trainers that you've never cleaned since you got them 3 years ago. The fact that you're making observations on spoons is probably worrying too, but in this case it's inconsequential. Really.

It's this rigorous categorisation that I just don't get. What's the point? Not only is it really, really time consuming, but more often than not I find it just makes things more difficult to find. Surely, ingeniously filing everything in obscure holes and draws in the long run makes finding things much more difficult than just having to sift through a giant pile located in the middle of the floor, right? Plus, don't you feel somewhat pathetic pondering to yourself:
"Oh, what draw have I filed document X in?"
"What ring binder folder would I have placed document X in?"
"What carefully colour-coded divider would I find document X in?"

...? I know I do. Surely it's just... cooler, not to mention much less anal to, instead of going through this disturbingly logical process, just dive into a heap of paper, occasionally divided by a pizza box? I'd like to think so. I mean, you know whatever you're after is in there... somewhere. Since you don't precisely know where, you also save valuable time that would otherwise be spent pinpointing its exact location. And of course, if you're anything like me whatsoever, thoughts are a very rare commodity that are to be used with utmost frugality.

And though it's annoying enough when you've been idiotic enough to file things yourself, it's even worse when someone else has taken the liberty to do it for you. As annoyingly thought-consuming as finding things you've arranged yourself is, finding things someone else has neatly filed is nigh on impossible. At least when you file something yourself, a little bit of detective work will pinpoint the exact location of the thing required. When someone else does it, on the other hand... well, then you're fucked, plain and simple. In this case, simply finding the neat, squared up pile is difficult enough, let alone being able to navigate your way through the folders and dividers. It is bureaucratic villainy, plain and simple!

But who is this heinous villain who commits this evil crimes against your organisation skills? They're known as the neat freak. Oh yes. Those most woeful of human beings, if it is even appropriate to call them that, who seem to take great delight ferreting things away in neat piles, categorising forks and carrying a dust buster with them at all times in a holster. What possesses these people to do what they do? Surely, they must realise that their endeavours are ultimately useless and the supreme exercise in futility. They must. Because of course, their endeavours are pointless almost beyond comparison. Before long, they must surely know that someone like me- and hopefully you- will come along and muddle their spoons, introduce microbes to their kitchen and leave a groove in the cushions of the sofa that'll put their spirit level out of whack. So what motivates them in their continued pursuit of a pointless and temporary state of organisation?

They're doing it just to piss us off. Yeah, that's got to be it. What else would ever possess someone to do something so ultimately pointless and worthless? Something so tiring, something so monotonous? And they must certainly hate us a lot- even I wouldn't normally sacrifice so much of my own time and energy solely to antagonise and hurt someone else. And I can be a real fucker.

People, we must take action. The next time you see someone cleaning, kill them.

Something about news interviews.

2006-11-26T04:33:00.000Z

It just struck me... how come they always seem to use a mediocre, grainy video of Westminster in the background of practically every interview with, for example, cabinet ministers or whatever? Though I do understand the fact that Westminster is like, totally the centre of British government, I don't see why, for the sake of presentation, they'd continue to use such a shoddy feed of it. Superimposing the interviewee also seems to be a problem for them, too. I mean, what's up with the shitty outlines around some of the guys they have on there? It's akin to an amateur job in Photoshop or something.

It's not even aesthetically pleasing, either. I mean, come on... London is not a pretty place whatsoever. I've been there, man- I have relatives who have the misfortune of living there. It was like where I live, except twice as shitty. And I can tell you now: where I live is as about as aesthetically pleasing as Goatse. Even the landmarks that always seem to be shown in the backgrounds look like shit, too. And it's so grey... like the news isn't depressing enough already.

If they're so damn determined to have that shitty collection of buildings in the background, why couldn't they, say... dangle the interviewee and a camera crew off a crane? Yeah, that'd be a lot more entertaining. Plus, it'd make it a lot harder for the average interviewee to come up with their standard assortment of lame excuses and attempts to detour from the question at hand- dangling off a rope does tend to have that effect on people. Especially if these 'people' are fat, impotent old shits in suits.

And while I'm at it, local news is shit beyond all measure. Ever wondered what happens in Norfolk? No, neither have I, to be blatantly honest. But at any rate, the local news very much makes it clear that it would be a fruitless endeavour, anyway. No matter how hard they try, it seems the local reporters cannot last more than 3 minutes without descending into the sort of inane drivel you'd expect out of a local news programme. Local Sunday league football teams? Old people complaining about paths or something? You betcha. It's really an argument for having more serial killers, come to think of it. Yeah, serial killers are ace.

Oh man, and then there's that section of Newsnight. Well, I think it's part of Newsnight. The bit with film and book reviews- that thing. Is it really that hard for the reviewers to not come across as pretentious cunts? Because they sure do.

Heck, news programmes in general suck shit. And wash it down with diarrhoea. And the weather. Oh man, weather reports are shitty. It's pathetically amusing when you're getting told that today is supposed to be dry all the way through, whilst it's actually raining at that very instant. And then there's the phrases they use. Why they can't just say "it's going to rain" is beyond me. Or, if they really, definitely needed to be specific, "it's going to rain hard".

I guess the only consolation we can take in the whole predicament is that someday, all the presenters, writers and producers will be dead. Then you can shit on their graves and spraypaint cocks on their headstones. Heck, you might even get in the local news.

I like empty dogma too. ^_^

2006-10-24T02:50:00.000+01:00

Click that mothafucka!

So I needlessly offend. So what? At any rate: lol, i dropped the g-bomb

Also note: religious folk are also Nintendo fanboys. Is there a link somewhere?

Best Film Ending EVER

2006-10-24T01:37:00.000+01:00

... well, that's what I assume, at least.

Yes, this is very probably the closest to a film review you'll ever see me do, but the film in question really is something special. That's special in the retard kind of sense, if you're wondering. But yeah, on with the review!

The film in question is called 'Revelation'. Well, at least... I think it is. It never really made it clear, as far as I remember. It didn't make many things clear.

The premise is pretty simple: an old dude who's spent his whole life looking for a special box (the Loculus) is chased and killed by the Knights Templars (who are all in suits and driving Mercedes, naturally). His son then takes up his father's quest, accompanied by some chick he kidnaps or something. Fortunately, they're not completely on their own, since the protagonist's now-dead father left him vital clues to the box's whereabouts in what appear to be some sort of arcane puzzle computer game. And then they're in Malta or something. Yeah, like I said... pretty simple.

The plotline, as you might have by this time realised, seems somewhat confused. I'm not just saying it's a little sketchy and vague in places... I'm talking advanced Alzheimer's here.
It's like the plotline has turned up in it's slippers and urine-stained tracksuit bottoms at a train station demanding to be taken to Mozambique by steam-powered camel. You never quite know what's going on, or why it's going on. For example, the Loculus is apparently an artifact made (or found... I forget) by the unfalteringly evil Knights Templar, yet the MIB-like medieval sodoms seem to have no idea whatsoever where it is. And you're never really given an explanation as to why they, or anybody else for that matter, want it. All you know is that it's obviously really, really bad, and the Knights are equally really, really bad. And the protagonist is good. Of course.

This confusion is amplified by the ridiculous cuts used in the film. One thing me and my friend noted throughout the film is the habit to cut to another scene at the most inappropriate places conceivable. For example, the protagonist and the chick apparently get chased down by an ominous black helicopter at one point. Of course, we don't actually know how that one turns out, since the camera almost immediately cuts to another scene. The two characters, of course, later turn up again completely unscathed. So... did they destroy the helicopter? Or did they hide from the helicopter? Or did the helicopter's pilots get the munchies and decide to stop off at Little Chef? It's just something we never find out.

The dialogue in the film is similarly queer. You'd have thought that with a film of this nature- that is, an arcane/esoteric/blah blah blah mystery film, you'd expect pretty substantial explanations and very long chunks of dialogue constantly throughout the film. Yet, these simply aren't here. In fact, barely anything is. It's very rare that the characters say more than a single simple sentence at a time. It's almost as if speech is redundant- that the characters are communicating telepathically. There's no other way to describe just how a film such as this can be so light on speech and explanation. And even what is spoken seems oddly wooden, like it's being spoken by a narrator on one of those early-morning educational programmes that used to be on the television.

And then there's the Loculus itself. The thing that struck me about this magical and (I assume) immensely powerful... uh... box is that it looks kinda like an arts and crafts project I did as a 7 year old at primary school. Papier mâché with a PVA glue coat to give it a glossy appearance? Very probably. It's lame, seriously.

So why the best film ending ever? Well, because I didn't see the ending. With all that I've already noted, for Empire to claim the film was "cutting edge" and Film Review to claim that it was "thrilling", I figured that the ending must be the most amazing thing ever. EVER. I'm talking Battle of Endor x1000000. There's no other way. I mean, I've seen some rather... abstract films, but none on the level of Revelation. I imagine the only thing that would close to the level of confusion that I felt in the chunk of the film that I did see would be watching the last Matrix film without watching the previous two. Whilst stoned.

To summarise: it's shit.

I tried using my Mighty Mouse again this morning.

2006-08-09T02:29:00.000+01:00

It's still shit.

I'm an Idiot...

2006-05-01T00:47:00.000+01:00

... to have bought Apple's 'Mighty Mouse' about half a year ago.

Trust me, there's nothing mighty about it at all. In fact, I'd say it's very probably one of the worst mice I've ever had the displeasure of using. Not because it's uncomfortable, lacking in functions, aesthetically unpleasing or anything like that. No, it's simply because it's so damned unreliable.

Take a look at any review site- even Apple's own store page on it. The complaints are all the same-- the scrollball just... stops working after a few weeks or months. In fact, almost every gripe about it revolves around the spherical shit. And the same has happened to me. I've gone through three of these pure-white pieces of trash now, and still my problems persist.

It's all very simple. The scrollball simply gets filled with... uhh... crap. Given the design of it all, this makes the ball, which is naturally rather fiddly to operate, become incredibly bitchy and awkward to use. Sometimes it'll scroll. Sometimes it won't. Sometimes it will let you scroll up. And sometimes it won't. External cleaning helps to a limited extent (holding the thing upside-down and wiggling the ball...), but I feel that the only real way to sort this problem would be to disassemble the thing and take it from there. Which is a fun thought, since there isn't a screw or method of disassembly outlined in the manual in sight.

And the problems don't really end there, either. Sometimes the 'touch-sensitive' and 'force-sensitive' (Jedi?) buttons just... get it wrong, as well. Right clicks become left clicks, slight exertion of pressure on the mouse becomes a desire to display the Exposé, and if the scrollball is having a really bad day, every top-mounted button becomes 'access the Dashboard'. Awesome.

And again, the hilarity doesn't end there. On any vaguely smooth service... say... a mouse mat, the Mighty Mouse becomes incredibly prone to causing the pointer to jump around the screen. Seeing as a cheapo optical mouse I bought several years ago can handle these surfaces (and more) with no difficulty, as well as have a working scrollwheel and buttons, I find this pretty farcical.

And then there's ergonomics to consider. As aforementioned, it's not uncomfortable to use. But at the same time, it's not particularly comfortable, either. Think of it like a park bench-- it's nice to sit on, but you can hardly curl up and relax on it with great ease. However poor the analogy is, the point remains that it isn't remarkably nice to hold. At least it beats those god-awful boxy mice Apple used to ship with their pre-iEverything computers. Those were torturous.

But when it comes down to it, no matter what it's vices and virtues are, it's the price of the thing that puts it all into perspective. And folks, this bitch don't come cheap! You're looking at £35 for one of these. At least there's a year-long warranty to fall back on when the thing goes wrong again. But at this price, it's really quite shameful that the overall product can be so... shoddy, in my opinion. Let's look at the other alternative...

... a basic Microsoft optical mouse, costing about £12, and coming with a scrollwheel, 2 buttons (with the scrollwheel being able to act as the third if you press it in) and a nice, palm-fitting shape. Sure, the mix of off-white and grey isn't half as pretty as what the Mighty Mouse is, but it works. The scrollwheel is sturdy and simple, and thus doesn't call for constant cleaning. The buttons are independent, and therefore do not manage to get confused. Everything just... works. And for a long time, too. My first one lasted me three years of constant use and abuse. Not that you'd care anyway, given the cheap-ass price.

It's shameful that such an overpriced piece of kit like the Mighty Mouse can underperform on such a level. Avoid.

Forums are Full of Fucking Morons.

2006-04-27T00:13:00.000+01:00

Now here's something hypocritical.

Internet discussion forums, or messageboards... yeah, whatever you want to call 'em, have for quite some time been the focus of my internet activity. I must say, they are truly interesting, dynamic societies in many cases. Think of it as being akin to watching a group of baboons interact with eachother. Seriously. As intriguing as forums are, they're crammed full of dipshits. Thus, much like with our baboon group, it's all territorial pissings and fighting over which silly monkey has sovereignty of the rope swing. Non-stop. And when someone finally does cement their position as grand ruler of the swing, there'll be fighting over who owns the smashed-up refridgerator. Darned primates.

But I digress. I think.

The fact of the matter is: conflict and drama are at the very heart and soul of forum 'life'. No matter what forum you go to- whether it be a sprawling official forum owned by some games company or other, or some backwater freebie jobby hosted on InvisionFree, there's bound to be bitch fighting abound.

Now, I don't really have a problem with people laying into eachother good and proper. Hell, it amuses me to see two random wankers who I barely know lunge at eachother's throats. But in this context, it just comes across as pathetic. I mean, seriously... text. Yaya, the written (or in this instance, typed) word is a very, very powerful thing, but some of the things people argue over are just pointless. Such rousing subjects of these epic wars of words include, from what I've witnessed personally:

• The omission or erraneous inclusion of a comma. I'm not bullshitting here.

• Capital letters. I can't remember getting into proper punch-ups at primary school over this shit.

• Videogames. I'm not actually sure how you can actually feel any sort of emotion after melting your brain in front of a flickering CRT in a dimly-lit room for 18 solid hours, but apparently it's possible. Very, very possible. I mean... shit, I've seen friendlier debate between drunken fascists and communists than what I've seen between morons who insist that their bundle of wires in a plastic case is *so* much better than the other guy's.

I mean, what the fuck? I could understand if the subject matter was truly sensitive. I mean, sure... politics and suchlike is just asking for some pretty harsh disagreements. But surely something such as 'whether Mario is better than Zelda' is within people's power to simply ignore? Heh, apparently not.

It's never just little one-off quarrels, though. I mean, it becomes a full-blown feud between groups of users in some cases. Sure enough, a whole forum can end up looking like the Battle of Stalingrad in a couple of hours. Great.

I also love it how when the arguments get worn down into nothing, but people still feel the need to stroke their e-penis, the points raised get more and more petty, eventually spiralling down into a long and dull flurry of insults about eachother's grammar and/or spelling, as aforementioned.

I mean, please.

Heck, on the subject of all things grammatical: I can understand people getting flustered when some dumbass who didn't quite cut it in remedial English classes arrives on the scene, raping the English language like it was a fresh corpse in a secluded area, but shit. Some people act like a misplaced comma can completely invalidate an entire argument. Others use it try to score kudos points or some shit, strongly under the impression that scrutinising every single mistake that anybody makes will make them respected within the community. Nice try, asshole... but you're just ruining the flow of the discussion with your worthless grammatical reminders instead of contributing a shred of... anything useful to the actual topic.

It is at this point obvious: some people are anal in all the wrong ways.

But the fun doesn't stop there. Having just raised the issue of the people who are just too god damned meticulous for their own good, we go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum. You know, the people who are completely oblivious to everything. You expect them to be constantly fucked out of their minds on some drug or other... until you realise they're also oblivious as to what drugs actually *are*, aside from perhaps Calpol (which is, by the way, awesome stuff). These people are truly a marvel to behold. Possessing little knowledge on etiquette or... well, anything else, for that matter; they spam, double-triple-quadruple-post and just plain stumble their way to infamy and to being recognised as official dickwads.

To be fair, you have to give these braindead chaps some space, though. Undoubtedly, there's no way they're as used to the Intarweb as you are... hell, they probably just decided to stop using an AOL CD as a frisbee and took it from there. But still... I'm sure I wasn't a retard on quite this level when I was first let loose on the WWW.

... and then there's all the... other ones. Since I feel like crap, I feel it would be more appropriate to simply summarise for these ones.

• Convo Whore: "OMG I like totally told this girl online to fuck off..."
... well done, big man. I'm always thankful when people decide to post logs of instant messenger conversations, because I really care about every sarcastic remark they make to some equally retarded moron who I'll have the pleasure of never having to meet.

• Plagiarist: http://www.maddox.xmission.com/ Need I say more?

• Backseat Moderator: "You are in violation of rule 340, column 3, line 19. Put the keyboard down and step away from the thread."
... I really don't get these ones. Somehow, they think it's their duty to uphold their skewed version of the forum rules, or what they *think* the forum rules should be. Only... they just end up completely disrupting a thread like drugs police at a rave. The result is inevitable: a whole lot of confusion. No sniffer dogs, though. As a special aside for these ones though, I find it kinda ironic how as a rule of thumb, from my personal experiences as a moderator, backseaters are generally loathed even more than all the other fucktard members of a forum.

• Impatient ignorami: The change of environment between instant messengers and messageboards just doesn't seem to register with these folk, unfortunately. After already having posted a thin-as-fuck thread, they'll quickly grow restless of the fact that nobody can be arsed to reply to it. Five minutes after the initial posting of the thread, they'll quickly respond to themselves with a desperate-sounding "OMG... anyone!?!?!? Reply!!" Surely, if the wait is so excrutiatingly difficult for them to bear, their little minds could easily be distracted by a good ol' cup-and-ball game? It works for me.

... but heh, I'm running out of steam, so I'm gonna have to bring this tirade to some sort of closure.

Uh. Closure!

Photoshop Scanline Tutorial

2006-04-01T17:59:00.000+01:00

For Demi. =D

'Scanlines' is a term for small horizontal, vertical or diagonal lines (often only 1px in width) placed on an image to give it a 'computerised' effect. It is a very easy effect to apply to an image, and used correctly can look great.

Through decent application of scanlines, results such as:

and

... can be achieved.

But hey, let's start at the very beginning here.

--------

I
First all, you need to open Photoshop. If you're having problems with this, I suggest you switch your graphics manipulation program to a piece of paper and wax crayons.

II
From this point, you need to open a new document (Command + N [Mac OS] or Ctrl + N [Windows]). Set the dimensions to 1 pixel in width, and 2 pixels in length. The other settings aren't really that important, though I'd probably have the background contents as transparent.
Screenshot

III
Okay, so you've got the new image window open now. First thing to do is to zoom in as far as possible, using the slider, typing it in... whatever, really. Just zoom in to 1600%. Now, find and select the pencil tool (this might require you right clicking the 'paintbrush tool and switching modes) and set it up so it is 100% opaque and black. The brush size needs to be 1px. Now, click your 1x2 image once with the pencil tool, leaving a simple black square covering half of the area. You need not do anything more to the image.
Screenshot

IV
Now, select the 'Edit' menu from the bar at the top of the screen, and find 'Define Pattern...'. Click it.
Screenshot

V
A new box should appear with a thumbnail of the 1x2 image we made earlier and a text box beside it. In the text box, type 'Horizontal scanlines' and click 'OK'.
Screenshot

The box should now disappear and we'll arrive back at our image. However, we don't need the image anymore, so close it. You don't need to save it.

VI
Now that we have defined the pattern, open up another image file. Since we're just testing things out here, it doesn't need to be a project you have in progress.

VII
Once the file is open, head over the the paint bucket/ filler tool. By default, the filler uses the foreground colour as it's source. However, if you examine the filler settings, which are normally at the top of the screen, you should notice a little drop-down menu. This will, at this point, say 'foreground' on it. However, you now need to change it to 'pattern'.
Screenshot

VIII
Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Once the filler has been changed to fill patterns instead of block colour, you should see another drop-down menu with thumbnails of all the patterns Photoshop has found. Bring down the menu, and you should see our 1x2 image at the very bottom of this. Click it to select it as the filler pattern.
Screenshot

IX
Now, create a new, blank layer.
Screenshot

Once this is done, simply click anywhere on the image and filler will cover the image with our pattern, which will now form neat little lines. Congratulations! You have now made scanlines!
Screenshot

X
Now that we have our scanlines, all you need to do is play around with them until you achieve the desired effect. Changing opacity, colour and applying gradients are good practices...

XI
... but that's not all. Using the same technique as we have gone through together, you can create all sorts of patterns!

--------

So there you have it! Scanlines are a great way to split things up a little and add effect to an image.

Dodgy Ads are the Shizz

2006-03-22T23:20:00.000Z

If I've learnt anything from abandoning a blog for half a year, it's that spam is a relentless bitch, infiltrating every orifice of every public system and inserting it's chubby penis forcefully up the rearend.

It's quite amazing how spam has become such a common thing that in many cases, one can simply just blank it out. However, a couple of things that have caught my eye recently I believe deserve to be written about and congratulated.

In recent years, I've noticed how spam has become a much more docile affair- that in many cases, it tries to disguise itself as just another message or query. That it tries to appease or appeal to the reader.

I personally find this quite hilarious.

Take, for example, my very own blog. Returning from my absence, I noticed a markedly larger-than-before number of comments to my articles- some of which were months old. For example, I noticed that my entry on the annoyances of craneflies had sparked up what appeared to be, judging by the products being pushed, a mass debate amongst the various spam-spewing bots. I found the way how they tried to blend into the existing comments similarly tickling.

"That's really cool! What's also cool is PenEX penis extension pills...!"

Personally, I'd like to know how they make the link between craneflies and penises. If there's anything I'm missing, I sure as hell want to hear all the gory details.

Other examples are also rather amusing in nature- this time, a disused messageboard is the target.

Hey, have a gander.

... yeah. What really amuses me here is the sheer irony of the post. I just love how it compliments the administrator on how well-maintained the forum is, whilst at the same time trying to push viagra. Furthermore, I love how it really has tapped into the right demographics crowd. I'm sure every teenage boy will be rushing out to stack up on the cock-aid capsules. Surely, whoever thought of the actual body of the message this particular bot puts out is truly inspired.

However, with spam, there has always been something I've never understood. Why the focus almost exclusively on viagra, underage porn and penis enlargement? Surely there's some other, lucrative market that one can tap into. Rugs? Toilet seats? Holy texts? All of them are in larger demand than boring old sex aids, so why does the spammateers seem so obsessed with sex? Surely shag carpet is more popular as a common commodity than just plain old shagging?

I believe it is time to form a niche in the ever-expanding market of spam.

You guessed it- I'm still alive.

2006-03-13T00:39:00.000Z

Though it is purely by principal unavoidable for me to be making one of those 'hey people, my life has still been sucky since I last updated' posts so many half-arsed bloggers make, I figured a little round-up of recent events both on here, the internet and I-R-L was needed. Lucky for you, there's no way this can be anything other than brief.

First of all... the reason I haven't been updating this blog over the past uhh... half-a-year is that I've simply lost the inspiration to write. I figured that it would be better for me to just quit whilst I was ahead rather than frustrate myself with trying to think of things to write. And after all, the material I would have churned out would have been of an even-lower-than-usual quality, anyway.

Elsewhere, however... things have been going well, I guess. For the few of you who might care, my life has been going relatively... okay. Sure, things have been much better before, but I don't think there's anything majorly on my mind at the moment. Perhaps that's just a sign of me becoming braindead and sinking into a state of deep apathy, but I'd prefer to think of this as a period of relative stabilty, of sorts. I've been well... seeing a guy now and then over the past few months, and though I by no means think it is or is going to lead to anything serious, it's a little light distraction for the time being, y'know?

In regards to this here think-pad, I believe I might have finally come across a good use for it. I've been recently toying with the idea of doing some sort of illustrated feature. I'd recently put together a few concept drawings for something I was planning to put onto another blog, but I figured if I was going to do anything for that, I might as well slap it on here as well. Admittedly, it's at a very early stage as far as progress is concerned, and moreover my artistic skills (which were never good in the first place) have gotten a little... rusty. Therefore, I cannot forsee anything new happening for quite a while. But hey.

So yeah. That's it- the whole past 6 months summed up in 4 paragraphs, excluding this one. That wasn't so bad, was it?

Hang tight- there might even be new content on here someday.

Reality TV, you gotta love it...

2006-03-13T00:11:00.000Z

I was just thinking to myself... as I'm sure most people with any sense have done themselves: fuck me, reality TV is as entertaining as having someone wipe a haemorrhoidy anus against my face, before defecating in my lap.

Indeed, reality TV is still shit. And since I seem to be on a scat-orientated roll, I feel inclinded to say that it's not just any shit. It's a bad-curry-shit-smeared-up-a-public-toilet-wall shit. And trust me, that is very shitty.

But during this same train of thought, I wondered to myself: why just criticise it for it's amazing stool-like properties when I can devise my own, wholly more entertaining reality TV show? Surely this would not only be wholly more fulfilling, but prove once again that I am indeed superior to a team of television producers! Thus, I now sit here feverishly typing down my first, rough ideas.

First and foremost, it is imperative to plagiarise as much as possible from other shows. After all, the audience of a reality TV show- that is the general public- are just too stupid to accept or even merely comprehend change. So perhaps a minimalistically designed, camera-laden house in the middle of the jungle? Hm, sounds decent enough, I guess.

Then of course if the name of the show itself. Since I'd be borrowing heavily from other shows, I might as well just make a cunning portmanteau. How about... I'm a Space Cadet, Get me out of my Big Brother? See... this leads perfectly onto my next key point as to how to make a successful reality TV show.

'Sex sells'. Yes, it's one of the oldest clichés out there... but it really is true. And as far as reality TV is concerned, sex definitely sends the ratings skyrocketing upwards. And of course, despite your audience being a vegetable-like, braindead mass, some originality is needed in your show. So why not capitalise on the name we have previously given this show we are formulating, and throw in a little bit of forced incest, augmented by some kinky Kosmonaut dress-up sessions? All round wholesome entertainment!

And the fun doesn't have to end there. As I'm sure you're aware, these reality TV shows do like to set challenges and goals for the poor saps who are foolish enough to go into them. Remember Space Cadets? The final percieved goal of the dulards entered into that was to be blasted into space, right? Well... perhaps in this show that we can make together, we won't let them down (as was the case in the aforementioned Space Cadets)! Yes, send 15 retards into space! And if we're going to be really reality TV savvy and nick the best bits of Big Brother, we can have them emulate cats whilst wearing revealing clothing whilst they go on their journey to the sun. I am a genius, truly.

Damn it, I'm seriously considering sending my ideas on the reverse of a postcard to Channel Four producers.

Your average American.

2005-10-08T13:59:00.000+01:00

As you might already know, I visit a site called GamesMainFrame, and am also a member of the forums there. As you might not already know, the site is due to be shut down within a few weeks. As a tribute to the passing of it, I've decided to compile a prize selection of comments submitted by a fine individual known as SES. He is probably the most hilariously racist, bigoted and just plain retarded person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting on the Internet. Think of him as a redneck version of TGN's Rhinox, if you like. Only not as fun.

Here are some of his key features and beliefs:

Dealing with troublesome women:
no then u grab the nife and tie her down

A perfect woman:
ya right. she is the hotest girl ever and she ain't a bitch or a slut. she gives me free food sometimes

How to further a discussion:
this topic needs to come back and fuck ur face grabs peaples attention

... implementation of the above:
fuck ur face

Views on necrophilia:
whats that big word

We should all go to Troy's house. Never you mind who Troy actually is:
to end the argument. go to troys house. he has a doge ram with a hemi,super charger,blower, nos, detacable doors,custom exast,sound,and a hietened suspesion. drive it and see if u ever care about vidoe games agaun.

Erm:
the best government is a redneck one.

Not racist against 'nigers', apparently:
yes i am racest but not agest blacks. up here a niger is a black jackass.

But still, those Japs:
now the japs are coming in and fucking up the town even more.

He even does humour!:
we were playing a all black team. therees 2 black peaple in our town and they don't play. the refs were all black. we got no good calls. a niger was standing at the edge of the field going "ya bet u never takening a whipping like that before" over and over finaly someone goes "ya we got a whipping but u got them twice a day when u were slaves" shut him up.
then in game on goes what up nger to our LB. he looks at his hand and goes"i'm white ur black i think ur retarded" then he completely kills the black kid. he was on the ground for 10 min.

Revealing mental age:
i'm like 6 or 7

He's a rebel, you know:
u don't know some of the games we playd then. we whould yell out virgina pussy boobs and tits and see how long we could go without getting in troule.

... incontinence?:
i got my pads!!!!!!!!!!

A moment of self reflection:
wtf are u completly retaded

A strange take on history:
besides american with a bowie knife could beat the shit out of ne midevel basterd.

Aspirations to become Pope:
if i was the pop i would chose the name pope adalf Hitler.

Where did you find your clothes?:
i just stole them from a kid in my class.

You're all satupid, you know:
she is a satupid bitch

Taxi drivers of the world, unite!:
fucking commy cab driver

Prime US Army meat:
i love blowing things up.

It appears he was raised on a nuclear testing site:
theres 3 legged frogs in my town

Oxymoron?:
what we need is a president who doesn't give a fuck bout politics

Redneck Racing!:
i been broke since the lawnmower races got shut down.

Regarding his three brain cells:
i just lost one from sniffing a marker

Because nuclear war is hilarious:
in class we were talking about nukes and shit. mep and some frineds were joking around saying that if ne1 attacked us we would send over 1000 nukes and blow the shit out of them. theres an ant send 5 more NUKES!!!!!!!!!!

"Do not approach this man":
i like shotting things with a shotgun

Damn that good-for-nothing imaginary friend!:
my imaginary friend never played with me when i was little so i had very demeted drawings since i was like 4. he played with the niebor that son of a bitch

... and that's just 40 pages into his 80-page retinue of nonsense. I'll miss him.

Achtung! Cranefly at 8 o'clock!

2005-09-27T00:28:00.000+01:00

Okay, so yeah... I hate autumn, as you might already know. But one thing I can bear is that one by one, the insects drop out of the sky like the...well... insects they are, as their life cycle ends or they go into hibernation. Though hopefully the former.

But it seems as though those little winged shits are carrying out their kind of... last stand of the year. I've been invaded.

I'll be the first to put my hands in the air and admit: my house is not clean. Hell, it's not even semi-clean. It's a dump. There are empty bottles, boxes and piles of junk everywhere. And yes, it virtually has it's own ecosystem now, complete with small prey, slightly bigger predators... and the occasional killer whale passing through.

But that's all fine and good... so long as the things don't come near me and moreover... don't have wings.

Indeed, the number of winged insects invading my turf seems to have increased massively over the past few weeks or so. Perhaps it's because my cat has a troubling habit of eating any of the said insects' predators? Possibly. Perhaps it's because I'm hated by most animals worldwide? More than likely. But whatever the cause, they're still here... and they still scare the crap out of me.

I admit that yes, I am scared of most things with wings and six legs... but surely having something fly at your face at two in the morning in darkness is enough to make anybody give out a feeble yelp no matter if they're typically wary of them or not?

And then there's the appearance of the little buggers I've witnessed. Crane flies... aren't so bad- despite their large, dangly bodies... I know they can't hurt me; but I've come across these really funky... things with a bright red stinger several times before. Fuck knows what they are... but holy crap, they know how to scare someone (though the ones I've encountered weren't expecting to end up at the wrong end of some fine literature I had laying around, of course... why else would I have the printed word in my house?)

It's not only their outward appearance that really messes with my mind, either. It's the fact that they tend to dart about randomly, and at great pace. Side to side, up and down... and then into your face. Hell, even as I write this, I'm watching something out of the corner of my eye fly erratically around me. Or failing that, how they hang from the ceiling, unmoving, for hours on end. I swear, those little shits are conspiring to send me insane or something.

And that's not all. Since less and less pesticide is being used nowadays, there's much less insects getting their brains fried by lethal chemicals and therefore just... more of them. I could never see what was wrong with highly toxic pesticide, anyway. Sure, some had the effects of napalm and others poisoned the watering hole and made several villages have chronic diarrhoea for a few weeks... but that's a damn worthwhile trade off for people like me having to fight a neverending battle with winged critters with blood-drawing mandibles... right? Besides... you never know when you're gonna need a napalm substitute anyway. You can never have enough incenderies and explosives.

But anywhoo... back to bugs.

Even when you do get lucky and crush the flying fuckers with an issue of NI, the Iliad of Homer or a 2x4 plank (I should really finish trying to build that Ikea thing... I've forgotten what it's actually supposed to be now)... there's still the cleanup. Scraping guts off of the wall is never very nice, no matter what or who the guts belonged to. Urgh.

If anything, this just goes to demonstrate just how important lethal, river polluting chemicals really are. No matter what any dipshit environmentalist or... law says.

No TV today- it's raining.

2005-09-22T01:06:00.000+01:00

As you might have realised, unless you have been living underneath a large rock on a moon of Jupiter for the past half a decade, is that there are plans to switch off terrestrial television signals in the near future. The replacement? Digital.

But that's good, right? I mean, better picture, clearer sound, more channels...? Well... unless it rains, that is.

I've experienced digital TV for probably about 5 years now, replacing the old satellite TV you used to have in the good ol' days (and let's be honest: who didn't love those ugly white dishes and massive LED channel display?) and to be honest... I'd probably say that my viewing experience hasn't improved a whole lot. If it all.

So let you and me dispel the myths about digital TV!

First of all, let's don our 'watching TV' hats and take a look at the picture. Is it better? Oh, it depends. It depends on two factors: the first being the weather. Yes, digital TV is so revolutionary as to make weather reports redundant! Screen okay, there'll be sun today! Picture all shit, and lightning will hit! Yes indeed, at the first sign of bad weather (or incoming bad weather), you can expect the picture to either go oddly blocky and discoloured (think of like when you hit 'reset' on a Mega Drive) or you can expect it to just... die. Is it just me, or does that completely fuck up the traditional idea of staying in because the weather ain't too great?

Another thing that affects the picture- the second factor- is the amount of stuff happening onscreen. Let's take, for example, the recent Great North Run. In shots involving a fair bit of 'action' (yes, lots of sweaty men following after eachother with a hobble is intense action, in my book) you can expect yet more little block-type things as the reception breaks up and crappifies under the strain.

And I don't even live in an area known for bad reception. Live in a remote area, or in an area surrounded by hills? You might as well give up now, unless you're unwilling to erect a 200 foot tall pole on top of your house.

But wait... what about the massive selection of channels? I mean, there must be around 800 channels available on Digital!

Well... yes, there is. A considerable amount of which, however, are foreign, require extra payments or are just plain shit. Or all of the above. Go past the most mainstream channels, and your efforts are rewarded with channel after channel of utter shite, of which is unfailingly one or more of the following:

Cam whorage - six hours' worth of some guy or girl displaying fake arousal whilst perverts send message after message to them, telling them to undress/assume a specific pose/read a Psalm. To anybody out there who participates in such activities: don't you realise that it's not your depraved messages that make these people look so seemingly happy- it's in fact the amount of cash you're blowing to send them? Unless I'm just not realising how poorly written SMS messages are sexy.

TV auctions - Real fake genuine synthetic diamonds ahoy! Thought that the amount of adverts on most channels was atrocious? These channels are nothing but adverts! And moreover, it really does beg the question as to where the hell these channels find the tacky goods they try shifting. Probably best not to think about it too much, I guess... though I'll give you a few hints: Transit van, crowbar, balaclava, lubricants.

Foreign channels - Now, I love foreign films as much as anybody else, but let's be honest... do we really need to know the 5-day forecast for Bombay? Obviously the people in charge of the various digital services think so. Though funnily enough, they've dropped the only at least semi-intelligable foreign channels that you had on satellite- in particular the German and Spanish channels.

Just plain shite - Nothing specific here: just a genuinely terrible channel. Filmed by a drunkard with a 15 year-old Sony home videocamera and with all of the above thrown in just to make ends meet so they can continue to show their equally mediocre programs, these channels are a televisual equivalent to catching leprosy.

Well... alright then. So there are a few dodgy channels and the reception dies in the wind... so what? I'm sure the great new digital interactive hyper-mega-awesome features make it worth all the while!

Yup, interactive is here. And whether it be a god-awful cut down version of what used to be BBC Ceefax or an 8p per minute game of Super Breakout, interactive features are also consitently shit. Not only can you sometimes be waiting in excess of a minute just for a crappy page of text to load, but the generally piss-poor navigation and lack of anything which is truly worth your cash is just heart-breakingly bad. Kinda.

It's not that digital TV is absolutely dire. It's that it was tipped to be exciting and new and futuristic and better than the old satellite and analogue transmissions in absolutely every way possible. And I feel that it has failed to deliver on each of these promises. And to be scheduled to completely replace the old transmissions in the near future at it's current level of sheer unreliability is laughable. Long live analogue! Or something...

Metal Gear Solid: Grandfathers of Liberty

2005-09-15T23:52:00.000+01:00

If you haven't seen what appears to be the first information about MGS4 (and I envy you), take a lookie here. Yes, Snake is now officially a silver-sneaker.

But of course... what will this revalation bring to the series? Well, I caught up with a singing hobo called Rob, who I like to pretend is a high-ranking executive at Konami. He certainly had a lot to say for himself, and over the course of a short interview, revealed some of the exciting new changes and additions to the items you might find whilst on the prowl...

First of all, MGS4 will be saying goodbye to the traditional rations from the last three games. Instead, Snake will be able to call upon Meals on Wheels to deliver to him battlefield provisions (with a suculent meat gravy on Thursdays and Sundays). However, after use of the said provisions, and interesting new twist to the gameplay has been implemented. Once used, Snake must then find a nearby Pipe-Node (otherwise known as a 'sink'), since Meals for Wheels expects plates to be cleaned before returned. Failure to adhere to this new gameplay feature may result in the cessation of the service, hindering the player's progress as Snake stubbornly complains about his empty stomach and how life was better 'in the Outer Heaven days'.

Also, the close combat and hand-to-hand controls have also been overhauled. As you might remember, MGS3 used a combat system called 'CQC', making for streamlined usage of both hands, legs, rifle butts and knives. This has been updated and replaced with the all-purpose combat walking cane. After sneaking up to an enemy unnoticed, Snake can now perform such stealthy attacks as the 'walking whack', which involves a seemingly accidental strike to the legs of an unsuspecting target as Snake walks by, not to mention the more brutal 'shopping queue flurry', which is basically an all out beating of the hapless foe should they push in front of Snake at the line at Safeway.

Rob also mentioned how bleeding has also been changed. Now, instead of bleeding, players will be greeted by what is known as 'leaking'. Time has taken it's toll on Snake in many areas, including downstairs. Subjectment to sustained periods (more than 5 minutes) of not visiting a Jetison-Node (a.k.a. "toilet") or sudden frights (sudden gusts of wind, for example), and the leak meter will begin to flash, and the bladder bar will slowly begin to deplete. Players can combat this by finding the 'incontinence pants' pickup, akin to the bandages in the previous games. Once again, failure to adhere to this new gameplay element can lead a player into significant trouble. For example, an overpowering smell of piss is suggested to alert nearby guards of our geriatric hero's whereabouts.

In addition to the above refinements to the already spectacular MGS gameplay, Rob also blurted out over whisky tainted breath the current plan to change the traditional diazepam pills to something more relevent to the gameplay featured in MGS4. On this basis, it is believed that laxatives are going to play a big role. At Snake's age in this next incarnation of the series, one must be aware of the fact that 'old plumbing blocks up easier'. Therefore, further trips to the Jetison-Node and regular consumption of the new medicinal item ensure that Snake remains fighting fit and free of nasty stomach aches.

Furthermore, Rob briefly let out a suggestion that Snake will have a new and incredibly powerful addition to his current lethal arsenal: Snake has Werther's Originals. Expect to have enemy soldiers perched on your knee being slowly killed by monotonous and pointless stories left right and centre. Feel the wrath.

After revealing this piece of information, it was plain to see that Rob was unwilling to pass on any further data about the upcoming title. To the point of throwing up on a nearby doorstep. However, before leaving for a very importment Konami executive board meeting, he briefly uttered the idea to change the famous 'infinity bandana' rewarded for good gameplay to the 'infinity flatcap', commenting on "how you can store a LOT more under a flat cap than you can some *hic* rag..."

It is quite obvious to see that there is an immense build up of excitement surrounding the new Snake, and that MGS4 is going to be a resounding success in each and every way.

Heil Hideo. And Murata... whoever he is. Heil him too.

What the...?

2005-09-15T22:25:00.000+01:00

I hate to admit it- I'm interested in what people think about my otherwise inane writing. But I was both amused and bemused to see today that I've achieved almost 100 profile views. For someone who never, ever has something of any relevance to anything to say... nor even anything of interest, I find this quite an unhealthily large number to have racked up (even if it is comparatively small to many other blogs).

Now, resisting the urge to degenerate into a pathetic ramble about how I'm so obviously deep and amazing, yet pitifully misunderstood, emo-style, I must admit I am baffled to what appeal I might hold to at least a few people out there.

I mean, seriously, what is there good about me? I don't try to be nice. I don't try to be kind. I don't try to be helpful or try to take into consideration other people's views. And what exactly do I have to write about, other than the blatantly egotistical? Hell... even this post itself is an obvious demand for attention.

I don't do games.

I don't even get technology.

And I'm not funny at all.

If these statistics are indeed reliable, you are all quite the silly-willies, aren't you? Of course, the likelihood that this was just a series of search engine spiders is not an insignificant one.

But anywhoo... anybody who does, for whatever reason, choose to read my irregular scribblings... well, thanks I guess. The very evidence that some people acknowledge my existence is somewhat soothing. Like a blackcurrant flavoured cough sweet... minus the gentle feeling of clearence of your nose. Which is somewhat annoying since I seem to have gotten a hayfevery-type-thing (in Autumn of all times...)

I would make an advance celebratory poster for my account's achievement of centurion status, but I'm afraid my immense laziness intereferes with such operations from being carried out. Perhaps when my brain grants me access to motor functions I'll be arsed to whip something up. In the meantime, I'd quite like to treat you to some Nazis celebrating Christmas:

Pffft... the SS Division "Totenkopf" might have been a crack unit, but they sure sucked at decorating Christmas trees.

Don't forget your Daily Heil, folks and remember; you can always find my blog in between the blog about painting a shed blue and low cost car insurance. Long live Michael York.

Norfolk: Most Boring Place Ever?

2005-09-08T23:31:00.000+01:00

Having lived in the regional capital (Norwich) of Norfolk, the fifth largest county in all of England, for all of my life, I have come to three distict conclusions.

1) It smells like shite.
2) It's too close to France.
3) It's about as exciting as deciding which shade of grey you want a carpet to be.

Indeed, Norfolk on the whole is a boring, shitty land with absolutely nothing of interest to anybody under 50. Perhaps that's why the population density of this place is also one of the lowest in the country: the people have either moved to somewhere where an oddly shaped pile of straw isn't the most interesting thing you come across, or have already died of old age.

So what's there to do here (or not), then? Well... let's have a brief rundown:

First of all, we have the myriad of pointlessly located churches. Stuck in a field for some reason? Got a sudden urge to pray? No problem. There are so many stupidly placed churches in the countryside it ain't even funny. I'm not quite sure why the hell they're there in the first place... if there's no settlement surrounding them today, with population figures and housing development at an all time high, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a few centuries ago when they were built.

Next, we have a "wide range of long-distance footpaths". Am I missing the point, or is walking around some windswept, insect infested, swampy ditch only to go around in a big circle and end back where you started just plain stupid? I'm sure that there's some enjoyment to be had out of falling into a stagnant pond, being eaten alive by gnats and then being rained on and sinking ankle-deep in mud 7 miles away from your car, but it just doesn't seem very obvious to me. I must be an uncultured heathen. Go me.

And then, there's the quaint, quintessentially English villages and towns dotted around the county. Yes, these places are time warps to the 50s, untouched by such modern gizmos like the Inter-Net. Essentially, these are places are waiting rooms to God- giant retirement homes minus the druggings and general disregard of and shitting on basic human rights. Unfortunately. So, should you ever set foot in one of these ghastly throwbacks, expect to be swamped by old people with headscarves and flatcaps.

But wait, Norfolk is still 'hip' and 'out there'... what about Great Yarmouth!?

I can't even begin to tell you just how shit Yarmouth is. It's like everything bad about a seaside holiday with dodgy dark alleys and a constant fear of being stabbed/raped/murdered/all of the preceding thrown in. Grey, dog shit and broken glass littered beaches? Yarmouth has 'em. Rip-off arcades and dodgy gift shops? Yarmouth got them covered. Propa rudebois cruisin' in dere pimped Renault 5s (and going up and down the strip of aforementioned dodgy arcades multiple times to the sound of a terribly distorted dance or rap album)? Oh yeah. Even the train station is unwelcoming. It's basically just... a large bike shed with seats, a couple of TV screens and toilets (which have garishly flourescent blue lights) which has trains pass by every now and then. Urgh.

What's worse... is that these places actually get tourists from up North visit. Why? Isn't the journey to just get there enough to discourage you? Or the generally shitty weather? Or the overpowering smell of shite (which up until a few years back was untreated human slurry... yum)? Morons.

The only small amount of solace I can take from living in this giant cesspool is the fact that I'm fortunate enough to live within the [only] city. Sure... step only a few yards out of the city and it's suburbs and you're surrounded by a whole lot of nothing, but for all it's worth, Norwich itself isn't bad. Well... when I say 'isn't bad', I mean we have more shops than just a Sunday market and an estate agent, and a bus service that comes every 20 minutes if the drivers feel like following the set route. And it has me, and I'm the most awesome thing to hit the world since wafer-thin ham.

... well, almost.

Something to do with the Internet. I think.

2005-09-04T02:04:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking this for some time now... but doesn't it seem like there seems to be almost no new intake of internet users nowadays? It's kind of as if everybody who wants the internet has already got it now. But what are the long term implications, perhaps?

Well... for a start, no more patronising AOL adverts. Oh, how I used to love that pudding basin information lady. With her clothes which had browser windows and porn running down them... yay. Not to mention that advert for a non-AOL ISP from back in 1999 or something: "Having trouble connecting to the internet? Go to www.[URL I can't remember... it was 6 years ago!].co.uk!" Well thought out there, lads. Not to mention the other things I'll miss, like the suggestion that not only is everything done on the internet instantaneous (and this was pretty much before broadband becoming widespread- broadband allows dolphins to fly alongside Spitfires and scary BT workers, anyway) but that images on the screen actually jump out at you and swirl round your head. I've only had that happen to me once, and it had nothing to do with what ISP I was with.

Secondly... does this mean the death of the newbie as a 'class' of person you meet on the web? Love them or hate them, not only are newbies the most obvious things to relieve the stress of daily life on, but you can't help but go 'awww' at their desperately awkward sentences, dodgy text formatting, emoticon overuse and complete bewilderment by the BBcode that a lot of messageboards use. If everybody's already used the internet for about half-a-decade, there just simply can't be newbies any more. Even the most stupid people will have at least become semi-aware of the key concepts of communicating over and using the internet. Though this isn't to say that they will become perfect typists, with an intricate technical knowledge of computers and at least some level of assertiveness and netiquette... more oftenly, they'll just become too annoying and doggedly persistant to defeat.

And in the end, surely all of us current internet-browsing, porn-sifting types will get tired of it all, right? Surely there's only so many forums you can post on and Flash movies you can view before finding the whole ordeal monotonous, opening the curtains for the first time in 10 years and seeking social interaction with actual hu-mans, right? Well... perhaps not, but the numbers will thin sooner or later. My bet's on later, but...

Perhaps the internet as we currently know it will die out as a popular means of communication over time? Perhaps in the probably not-so-distant future, it'll change entirely? Perhaps I'm talking complete and utter bullshit? More than likely. But anyway... think to yourself: can you see yourself being so active online in a decade? Or two decades?

Caffeine's like being asleep in the brain and awake in the body, isn't it?

So it's September.

2005-09-01T19:46:00.000+01:00

What a month eh: September! Sept meaning seven and ember meaning a dying fire!

But seriously, isn't September such a shitty month for everybody? Easily gets into my top 12 most disliked months of the year.

There are some very distinct factors that make September so shitty...

First of all, there's the fact that it is the most obvious marker that daylight is soon to become scarce. Hell yes... before you know it, it'll be dark from 4:30pm to 8:30am. When you leave the house: dark. When you come home: dark. Fun. Is it only me who finds this almost perpetual darkness a real drain on energy? There's just something not cool about being greeted with the sodium-glow night sky everyday. And even when the sun is up there somewhere, there is always a thick sheet of monochromatic cloud covering it, creating an odd, washed out effect on the colours below. Clouds, huh? Good for nothing bastards, the lot of them.

Secondly, and unfailingly, there is the sudden shifts in temperature. For some reason, the English summer seems to always come in late spring and early autumn. No problem to me, really... but considering this heat is most likely gonna be followed by bitter cold, the shock to the system is never that well welcomed.

Increasingly common nowadays, September also marks the start of the 'Christmas Buildup'. Christmas sickens me (though I *will* take any cash donations, thank you), so to be subjected to a good 4 months of snowman 'n' Santa-laden bullshit is enough to cause me to want to set fire to my hair. And I like my hair. I despise most TV ads enough already without shitty plants and annoying horned mammals with discoloured noses littering the screen.

And that's not all. More chance of power cuts, more coughs and colds... and water that takes an age to warm up. I know that it's inevitable that if the pipes are gonna be colder, the water will take longer to become hot... but is less than three minutes really too much to ask? Especially since the water pressure is still shite. So instead of just having a dribble, you have an ice-cold dribble! Woo.

And finally... and possibly worst of all, is that October follows September. And so does November. And December... and January... and February. Don't even get me started on them.

I wish I could make my own months. They'd be so much better.

£800 for an apple? Get outta here...

2005-08-30T03:06:00.000+01:00

I should have gone to my local grocery store...

Today I've done something of significant importance to myself (okay, so that's not saying a whole lot)- so much so that I felt it actually required breaking my current trend of extreme laziness and actually taking the time to type something into this blasted evil intarweb cyberdiary.

Yes, earlier today, I officially gained a member card to the most incredibly dull, minimalism-loving group of anoraks on the face of the Earth... I've gone and bought a Mac. Macintosh... anorak... hmm... I think even the developers have caught on.

And it wasn't cheap, either.

Nope, this particular machine set me back for getting on for 800 of your British currency circles... which is basically the equivalent of me having to give up such luxuries as... eating for a while. On paper, it looks marvelous- a decent processor and bucketloads of RAM, but I really can't help but feel nervous.

You see, me and electronics don't go together. At all. In fact, I swear I'm like a walking EMP pulse or something. I haven't had a single computer which hasn't had something wrong with it. Ever. And trust me, I've had, in comparison to most people, a lot of computers.

First of all, there was the Gateway heap of shit I bought in 1999. It's had defective hard drives, CD drives, screens, printers, fans, RAM, speakers... in fact, only the keyboard is from the original package I bought. And thanks to absolutely arse-wipingly bad support, I still have dodgy sticks of RAM, hard drives and CD drives laying around gathering dust. And there's a lot of dust to be gathered in my house.

Next of all, there was the laptop I write this article on. No real big problems... other than having to shove the batteries in the freezer to get 'em working. But hey, at least it wouldn't be overheating immediately afterwards...

Next, in 2003, I got my second desktop. And yup, it had problems. Underpowered fan, wrong graphics card... oh, how I enjoyed going back and forth to the place I got it from over and over. In fact, I started to time myself to see if I could beat my previous records (it currently stands at 12 minutes and 39 seconds, by the way).

And then there was the Toshiba a few months back. It was great... if you didn't need a keyboard that worked properly. So straight back that went.

So I guess it's understandable to say that I'm anxious to say the least of something being wrong with my newest purchase. Not only that, but this will be my first fullscale foray into the brushed-metal world of OS X, too. Too sum it up:

I think it's safe to say this is gonna yield many a headache for me. Feel sorry for the noob.

Formulaic One

2005-08-23T05:21:00.000+01:00

I don't know about you, but I think that Formula One racing sure has taken a turn for the shitty in the past... say... 8 years. I mean, Formula One today is just an excuse for rich kids with too much time on their hands and no other commitments to drive around in a circle for a couple of hours, fail miserably at getting anywhere beyond 18th position and then give up halfway through the season because they find out that despite their generous contribution to a failing team... they're still completely unable to win anything... in complete contrast to the norm in their privaledged little lives outside the sport.

It's been mentioned time and time again, even from F1 insiders, of just how depressingly dull the sport has become, leading up until the point of new rules being introduced. But... these rules are rather craptacular also, from an entertainment aspect. For example:

Reducing engine power. What the hell? How is making the cars slower supposed to make the races more interesting? Not only will they be travelling slower in the first place, but the chance of a horrific crash is significantly lower because of this. And let's face it... we only watch races for the possibility of a good old multi-car crash, right?

Wheel teathers. Not only do they seem to fail miserably... but isn't watching a large tire bounce happily into a bustling crowd of anoraks at 120mph one of the most amusing and greatest spectacles of the sport?

General temptation to take extra pitstops. Sure... I've got no complaints with watching a bunch of blokes wearing masks and overalls play with their hose (I'd probably pay good money to see it)... but is in the middle of a race really the best time? When repeated thrice?

Yes... they're all a bit wanky, aren't they? Typical 'the driving's the spectacle, not the horrific accidents' mentality. Those play-nice bastards are spoiling it for everybody else who wants to see more crushed metal (and people).

And thus, I've decided to come up with my own list of things they could do to improve the 2-hour long follow thy leader....

First of all, why not, instead of having a neat grid of cars stretching back for a couple of hundred feet, just cram as many cars in the same place at once? Including ones found from the carpark? It'd either result in the most pulse-pounding, closely fought race ever... or a fatal car crash. See? Win/win situation!

Secondly... why not take a leaf from steeple chasing's book? That's right... I'm talking about 5 foot deep ditches and water pools. If all else, watching the driver have his car collapse into him on impact is well worth watching. They're pretty fucked when they come to the hurdles, though.

Thirdly, how about just randomly scattering obstacles around the course, like they sometimes do if you go karting? Bollards, trashcans, concrete blocks... and I'm sure that a spontaneous diversion of traffic cones into the crowd would be a welcome development to anybody who gains a feeling of satisfaction from watching people who have spent the past two nights camping out in the back of a Ford Escort van get run down and crushed. By 20 cars.

Fourthly, and needing no explanation: front mounted machine guns. Oh, baby...

Perhaps also periodic spilling of oil onto the track? Not only would it be an apt example of the sheer amount of resources wasted running these machines, but it'd be like watching ice-skating novices on wheels! At 160mph! Colliding with a tree!

I whole-heartedly believe that in an age of high speed porn downloads, videogame axe murdering, swivel chairs, internet café sex cubicles and dangly things you put in your car that make it smell like puke (that'd be more so, in the case of mine...), such traditionalist sports such as Formula One really do have to move with the times. Trust me, nowadays, people want more blood in their sport. And flames... and shards of razor sharp metal... yeah. I mean, they already do X-treme Death Bowls and Insane Hyperkill Croquet; it's high time that other sports catch up in my opinion.

Nothing beats a good ol' stereotype...

2005-08-20T03:26:00.000+01:00

In this age of supposed muticultural harmony, collateral damage and erectile dysfunction, it's true that people have at last cast aside their traditionalist, stereotyped views of certain groups of people, right? In fact, these groups don't even exist any more because we've all finally realised that we are in fact all the same! Right?

Bullshit. Heil Hitler.

Despite stressing the importance of individualism and indeed, trying to express (or just downright lie) that there is in fact no common distinctions made between different classes and social groups any more, some people seem to have their heads firmly in the clouds, way above the putrid smell of the cesspool of reality. Stereotypes still exist and are drawn upon immeasurably by people... and in fact, seem to be all the rage recently. The word 'chav' spring to mind?

But no... I'm not about to criticise people who do draw upon these preset images of certain people... rather the people who manage to reinforce their apparent truthfullness.

There are so many people out there who, if displaying certain characteristics of a stereotype... go seemingly out of their way to show the rest. It's a sad fact that people still feel some queer urge to have themselves labelled and put into a specific group and to embrace rigid conformity..

Take today's youth, for example.

I read somewhere that as a person gets older, their need to be constantly in a group and to think in an almost collective way diminishes. However, what I'm witnessing practically... every time I walk out of my door is a bizarre regression back through this process by so many kids. For some reason, they find an odd comfort in looking, acting and indeed sounding exactly alike... up until the point that there's little distinction between each of them at all. It's an almost... robot-like behaviour. Furthermore, the group/crew/posse... whatever they call themselves... generally comprise of either two styles of leadership. Type A is simple enough: the group has a leader; the subordinates follow his or her every action. Type B is slightly more complex. Type B has no true leader, but is rather held together by the threat of extreme peer pressure if any member of the group dares to divert from the rigid standards the group upholds, and risks the obligatory casting out and rumour spreading that kids seem to enjoy. And in both of these, the ultimate power that holds complete sway is, as with many things, the media IV drip that these young'un are all on.

And it's not just our favourite Burberry wearing brats that exercise this stupid, closed-gate mentality. They're just the most prime, common and extensively vulgar example of it. Indeed, our other friends... the Green Day loving, Hitler-haircut sporting types will also engage in this, albeit with the parameters of acceptable conduct being slightly different. In many ways, these ones could actually be seen as the most amusing, since their constant desire to be 'alternative' only results in them all being exactly the same as one another, and essentially discarding the 'mainstream culture' and replacing it with 'the other mainstream culture'.

So yeah, kids are little shits that deserve only to be gassed... tell me something I didn't know.

Well, it's also true that racial stereotypes seem to be a pretty common occurance, too. You hear that cracking sound? That's the sound of the great opaque barrier of politcal correctness being broken. I mean... the number of times that the word 'gangsta' flashes into my head every time I see a black guy is quite astounding. But then... is it really not to be expected... REALLY... when the individual in question is absolutely covered in 'bling' and sporting the good ol' baseball cap and/or condom hat thing, along with a FUBU top or something?

It seems to me that for some reason... people seem to be wanting to brand and label themselves more and more blatantly, and for reasons I can't understand. Where's the comfort in being a cliché? Where's the comfort in being merely an object of ridicule or hatred? Where's the comfort in conforming to a group merely to fit in or assert who you apparently are, in some cases?

Individualism is really dying a death. And while I'm at it... so is punk. Billie Joe Armstrong needs to be turned into a convinient paste form.

xx Happy Pretty Magical Moon Princess!!!!!!!!!!! xx

2005-08-18T02:04:00.000+01:00

I'm not quite sure why, but I find myself recently building up a sense of resentment towards these 'pink personified' types you encounter on the vast and whimsical sewer that is the Internet. I'm not sure why... but their creepy eagerness to please and upbeat behaviour actually makes me feel a considerable amount of nervousness. You know the feeling-- the 'back out of the room slowly' sort of urge that comes over you when you're left in a room with a Ritalin and Prozac pumped 10 year old. Sorta.

I don't know what exactly makes me feel so nervous and act so cautiously around these types... it's as if I get this bizarre image in my mind, almost. As if these sort of peoples' faces are permanently plastered in some sort of surreal, contorted, toothy, fake smile. And yes, for the most part... it probably is fake. For not only do I feel as though these people are too creepily friendly and eager to please... but more often than not, they seem to have some sort of malicious, two-faced aspect to their character. You know... they strike me as the sort of people who would happily stab you in the back whilst blinding everybody else with their seemingly limitless supply of 'awwww' comments and bubbly enthusiasm. Yes, bubbly.

And I haven't even started on their tendency to overuse the good old 'LOL's and emoticons, oh no! Not to mention their unsettling shift key-related spasms. (Or more appropriately, "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"... perhaps mixed with a few numbers for when holding the shift key becomes too boring a task for their sugar-overloaded little noggins to endure, bless. )

So what exactly's my problem? Well... saying that it's 2am and I need some more content probably wouldn't cut it... soooooo: it's just they seem to be almost an anti-me. And that's not to say that I go out of my way to achieve the 'melancholy dipshit' image, either. I do show enthusiasm sometimes and I do willingly help or otherwise try to please people... but unlike them, I don't care if everybody loves me... or not. It's as if they're almost too eager to try and please everybody... that ain't healthy. I consider that this behaviour will only result in contradiction of one's own values (if one has them, that is...) and for me at least, that would simply be an unacceptable and inviable an option in each and every way, no matter what these values might be. I prefer to (and moreover believe it's more beneficial to all parties) let people choose and form their opinion of me on their own, based on who I really am; rather than try to force what they should think on them (though... that might be a handy method of forming public obedience when I form a glorious new regime.) People can love me if they want... and likewise, can hate me.

Head for the hills. People are bad news. Like the pneumonic plague, but likely to kill you quicker.

[[I'm tired... some errors are inevitable. Scary errors. Have a flower.]]

Corpses: The Fuel of The Future, The Grandparents of The Past.

2005-08-15T02:56:00.000+01:00

Now, I'm speaking from experience when I say that most people nowadays prefer to, when their time is up, be cremated. I have no problem with that, of course... but something's occured to me as of late.

Wasteful, isn't it?

Think of the amount of energy needed to fire up the ol' incinerator and burn grandma into easily-storable ashes. I'm no expert, but I bet it's a lot. And I'm sure burning bints is bad for the atmosphere and environment as well.

So here's my idea...

Why not use corpses as a renewable source of fuel? Think of the natural resources we'd be saving! Imagine how long it could prolong any future fuel crisis! And imagine the pure novelty of having a corpse-fuelled city, or a car that runs purely on peoples' dead relatives! It'd be like what they do in the Matrix, only with less half-baked philosophy and gun play! Sorta.

But how would it be done, you ask?

The ways in which we could turn deadies into lurrrrrvely electricity or other fuels are varied and many. But the most primary one would have to be using them not unlike a fossil fuel... such as coal. I'm pretty sure if you dry 'em out and fiddle about with what you're left with, there'd be some way to make them burn quite nicely. And why have a coal fire or use coals on the barbeque when you can just chop up an aunt you never really knew and set the bits alight?

And then there's the idea of hydroelectricty, for the 'save the environment' types out there. Hydroelectricy works on the basis of a giant dynamo being forced around by water and thus generating electricity. Well... we're supposed to be mostly water... so, instead of burning them, perhaps we could drain them instead? Or drain THEN burn them? Genius. And I bet that dumping a few leftover bits of bone and the like would probably force our giant dynamo around some more, too!

But you say... you say that I'm missing the most fundamental thing? That is, people's attachment and love of their dead relatives?

No problem! If people insist on being stubborn and not let their rotting relatives be sucked dry and then burnt to bits, then why not give them the end product? Why not give them their relatives... in battery form! Think of it! Instead of being just a useless pile of ashes, great uncle Arnold could be powering your Walkman for almost 4 hours!

And of course, this new method of power can cope with population rise: more people = more people dying = more energy.

Want to not be wasteful? Prove it by using your relatives to power a hairdryer.

So, "Big Brother" is over...

2005-08-13T03:32:00.000+01:00

Or at least... that's what I've heard. Which means... we've got a whole nine months of very-slightly-better television! Of course... it's probably gonna get replaced by another series of 'Celebrity Fit Club' (I'm still trying to figure out why they changed the name from 'Fat Club'... there's still just as much blubber flying about, and the C-list celebs that they feature on it are probably too egotistical and arrogant to actually heed anybody's advice in the long run anyway...) or 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' (see 'I'm a Has-been, Get Me Into Here!')... ho hum.

The thing I can't understand with these countless 'reality TV' (because being in an Australian jungle whilst being set gruelling challenges to collect stars under the instruction of two chuckling Geordies is as real as it gets... OBVIOUSLY) is how they consistently manage to score 8 or above on the Von Schitzel measurer of programme shiteness. Whether it's people shouting at eachother in the jungle, shouting at eachother in some minimalistically-designed house rigged with cameras or shouting at eachother in some stately home located a far reach away from the grubby hands of we proletarians, these programs are, without any fault to the rule... ever, absolute tripe. In fact... I'd say that a nasty bout of influenza would probably be more entertaining than watching a few hours worth of Big Brother. At least you could look back and laugh at the things you blurted out whilst delerious and ill.

It's not only the actual programmes that are polluting the air ways, though... as with Big Brother, they seem to sprout sister programs (or Little Brothers, in BB's case...) which consume another hour or so, analysing in intricate detail the crisis caused by a housemate's broken nail the night before. And then they get the mentions in the morning programs... it seems the people in charge of GMTV and This Morning can't get enough of them. And then they get mentions in the papers; I'm not talking little sections in leisure pages or whatever they might have... I'm talking front page here. And then a double-page spread. Twice.

And where the hell do they find these people who star in them? The 'celebs' are complete washed-up relics from the 80s and early 90s desperately trying to pick up their career and the members of the 'general public'? Well... let's just say that a nuclear war sounds sweeter by the second if they're an accurate portrayal of the intelligence and personalities of the majority of people.

Who laps this shit up, anyway? In all honesty, I'd rather actually lap shit up in the literal sense than be subject to this torture. But I digress. The answer is, of course: the unemployed, the stupid and (perhaps the most perfect mix of the aforementioned two types of people) housewives. You ever watch any daytime television? If not, I envy you. It's almost all no-brainer garbage and well... those advert breaks... if they don't show the target audience of the shows, then nothing does. 'Anti-aging cream', anybody?

So, in brief conclusion, I must say... if I ever become a Big Brother hooked, day time TV watching, unemployed, anti-aging cream bathing housewife... I wish to be shot in the face. Then beheaded. And then have my corpse left alone with a group of horny necrophiliacs.

KatzMotel out.

Arsehoops.

2005-08-13T02:37:00.000+01:00

If you take a step back a week or so to my second post, you might recall me talking about my forum-of-choice dying on me. Well, yesterday... news got to me that it was in fact still alive... though only barely.

I really don't know what the fuck is going on with it, to be honest... and I can't say I feel the desire to be overly involved any more. We seem to have lost our traditional name of 'CubeMasters', and have had it replaced with... *takes deep breath* two one six point one two seven point seven six point one zero seven. Aren't IP addresses sexy? Moreover, the 'main site' as it was known; a phpNuke-based portal type thing, is completely and utterly decimated from what I've seen so far.

On top of these problems, is the fact that the forum has magically lost about 40000 odd posts... not to mention the complete shredding of the community cohesion. So in short, we're alive... but braindead and on a respirator. Someone's gonna pull the plug sooner or later.

I can't help but feel I'm being watched...

2005-08-08T02:53:00.000+01:00

I've noticed lately just how many questions online registration forms seem to be asking. Too much, if you ask me.

I've been used to giving out the obligatory username, password, email address (thanks to CM dying, I have to constantly make new Hotmail ones...) and country... but I've been noticing a lot more recently that they're asking other questions.

Pour example:
"What is your postcode?"
My postcode, eh? So you can narrow where I live down to a tiny area? Nice try, rapist. Furthermore... what exactly do they need your postcode for? I mean... they're telling you they won't send junk and suchlike so... it seems all rather illogical to me.

"What's your age?"
This is basically just the sicko at the other end weighing up how many offences he would be committing if he was to try to forcefully penetrate you. Or if you fit the 'criteria' he is looking for. Children? Yum, yum. OAPs? Bring it on, baby. Another tool to measure your rapability.

"Type the characters you see above/below..."
They'd like you to think this is to stop automated registrations. Nope! It's just to find out how well you'd see them coming before they strike you with their aggressively erect penis.

Pretty soon, and believe me on this (I know you think I'm wrong but I'm right and you're wrong. I get my facts right to get your wrong facts made right, right? Left.) expect to see new additions to this already scarily intrusive list, such as:

"What are you wearing right now?"

"What window do you think I'm at?"

"How fast can you run away?"

The internet is evil. Cover your eyes and run. You'll thank me when you haven't been raped.

We Need to Trim the Herd

2005-08-07T16:29:00.000+01:00

"...Israel is the most communist country you can get so far."

"...Israel is more communist than North Korea."

"...is rael is more communist then them. This is fact so why don't you listen to facts please and not do guess work."

"Will you fuck off I'm sick of this fucking crap that if I said anything I'm wrong. I been here before Israel is the most communist country you can get. But the fact is there isn't a communist country in the world, China isn't communist, North Kroea isn't etc... ...Now shut up with your so called facts."

P-O-N-D-L-I-F-E.

Linking Jews and Communism together, eh? I can remember someone else who used to do that. Sieg heil, dude.

Discriminating against Cripples...

2005-08-07T16:15:00.000+01:00

I was watching something on TV a few days ago (early morning television... dangerous for your health, by the way)... and I stumbled across this programme which had a section on a one-armed actor. I mean, fine... I don't really care if you're missing an arm or two... but what he was saying was quite hilarious.

Basically, he got rejected for a part, and was calling it discrimination. No shit! What do you expect? Dude, you've got one arm. I don't think it's exactly viable option for the director to have a one-armed Romeo or Henry V or whatever. Settle for being constantly cast as a pirate, alright?

I'm sick of people calling it discrimination when they clearly don't have what the employer is looking for. I mean, if I got turned down for working as a translator for the Syrian army it wouldn't be discrimination. It would be because I couldn't speak anything but English. And wasn't Syrian. Likewise, if Mr. One-Arm-Wonder-Actor-Man gets turned down for a lead role in Macbeth, it would be because all the characters had both arms.

I think people other than me should shup up or face public execution.

Are Bones Dry?

2005-08-05T03:24:00.000+01:00

I'm sure you're aware of the phrase 'as dry as a bone'. I am, but I've always questioned it's meaning. Are bones dry?

In short, no. If I was to steal one of your bones from say... you upper-left tentacle, I'd bet you a bushel of cucumbers that it would be all gooey. Moreover, the gooeyness would make it all slippery, and no good to tap people's ankles with (which is the undisputed purpose of bones, anyway). Therefore, bones are not dry.

So does that mean the people who say the phrase are REALLY TRYING TO DROWN YOU!? Could it be possible that on asking them of the general humidity and weather of the world outdoors (why would you do this anyway? It's a shithole...), they might knowingly lie, employing the said phrase simply to see you die in a flood?

The answer?

Yes.

Let's face it: people want to drown you. Even the scientists are saying it... they try to get you fly to Titan and BAM! You're surrounded by water. Evil, alien water at that. I bet it would taste like the jelly stuff on cat food...

Watch your back.

Odelay! It's Friday, folks!

2005-08-05T02:55:00.000+01:00

Is it me, or has this week gone really fast? Regardless, that most holy of days is here: yep, Friday has arrived. What does that mean to me though? Catching up on lost sleep, of course!

Come to think of it... I've hardly slept at all this week. It's odd... I've sorta gotten into the habit of having my energy peaking at about midnight - 0200 hours. Why? Fuck knows... but it's proving a real struggle to stay awake for the rest of the day, I'll tell you that!

More Yanks Killed in Iraq; Nobody Cares

2005-08-03T19:06:00.000+01:00

It has recently been reported that fourteen more US soldiers have been wasted in Iraq in an explosion by a roadside near the city of Haditha; the same location where just on Monday 6 more of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children (USMC) were pumped full of lead by mujahideen. This takes the losses of the US armed forced to approaching 2,000 now. And for what?

There still seems to be no sign of any resolution to this dragging conflict, and I'll tell you something: I bet more people will have died in it than the people of Iraq ever did under President Hussein by the time the Coalition forces pull out. And most probably, some other nutter will take control when they do. Feels like 1979 all over again, huh?

New from JML...

2005-08-03T17:28:00.000+01:00

Has anybody else noticed how many adverts are appearing featuring JML products recently? And the products being advertised... what the hell? Who buys this shit?

Adhesive bras?
Toastabags?
"Krazy Kloth"?

Come on... if you're not a nut buying them in the first place, using them would surely raise a few eyebrows. You've glued a silicone-filled bra to yourself, put toast in dishwashable bags and have decided to randomly replace letters of the alphabet with 'kooler' alternatives. Right...

And the adverts... they're almost as bad as the Cillit Bang ads; though methinks the Cillit ones were intentionally bad so as to promote a sort of viral advertising- and besides... Barry Scott (not a real person, just a clever character created by the people at the lofty Cillit Bang HQ, by the way) is a complete legend. I want him to have my children. But getting back to JML and away from my admiration of the almighty Barry... I mean, check out the Toastabags commercial... heart wipe, anybody? Still, that tune is pretty awesome... "Toasty, toasty, Toastabags; the smart way to get toastin'..."

Who exactly are JML, anyway? Up until they started promoting gluing clothing to yourself, I hadn't heard of them. Front for an internation multi-billion dollar heroin smuggling and selling operation? North Korean spies? Who knows...? All I do know is that really is a catchy tune... doo doo doo doo do-duh-doo...

[NOTE]In reference to the 'Krazy Kloth' thing, I'm fully aware that my username in some places is 'Katz'. It's a Jewish surname. Honest.

Holy shit! I'm contributing to a statistic.

2005-08-03T04:05:00.000+01:00

So... check this out. According to Technorati's (whatever the fuck's a name like 'Technorati'? Sounds like some sort of rave featuring Fererro Rocher and cheap, shitty wine) research into the 'explosion of personal publishing sites', a new blog is created every second.

That's eight blogs created by the time I took to read that paragraph above.

However, as much as it might seem that more and more people are creating and using weblogs like this, these statistics (as all but the most simple usually are) are somewhat misleading. Of this massive plethora of personal webpages, only half of all blogs are described as being active- that is, updated over the past three months. And an even slimmer amount are updated every week (13%, if you like percentages. I prefer decimals, myself.)

But regardless of all of the complicated analysis of these statistics, it is still true that by this point, 28 new blogs have been created if you're reading at my current, nigh-on-dyslexic pace.

Don't Wanna be an American Idiot...

2005-08-03T01:32:00.000+01:00

... screams frontman Billie Joe Armstrong in his chacteristically nasally, annoying voice. Too late, dipshit.

Anyway, I just got wind that Green Day, the primary indicator that punk is indeed dead, are having their latest album turned into a motion picture. Oh, I can already here the cash registers ringing here. Green Day have long stuck in my mind as a money grabbing prostitute of a b[r]and, and this has just reinforced that view. I'm sure their 12-year-old schoolgirl fanbase will lap this up however shit it is, and will all swarm to the cinemas in their favourite pair of Converse, ripped jeans, stripy socks, black eyeliner, obnoxious head apparel and of course: Green Day tops.

Funnily enough, throughout the aforementioned article, there was, as is often the case, no mention of either of the other band members- only the almighty and wise Billie Joe. Ever seen a photograph of the band? It's always that pompous shit standing bang in the center while Mike and Tré (the other band members' names, if you don't know them... which given my point, is likely) are crammed in the corners behind him. And that's a shame. If it wasn't for Billie Joe's arsemuffin of a voice, perhaps they'd be good.

Check back later for more possible news on this upcoming visual holocaust and how I hate that pompous prick, BJ.

Well so long to 2 years' work...

2005-08-02T17:51:00.000+01:00

In July of 2003; around about the time of my 21st birthday, I came across a small group of game enthusiasts, and their site: "CubeMasters.Com". Joining, I almost automatically assumed an administrative position; becoming arguably the chief forum administrator on the 28th of July that same year; 25 days after my birthday. What followed was a rollercoaster ride that lasted almost two years. And one which I enjoyed thoroughly throughout.

In a miniscule time, a small but intensely personal and friendly community had formed, and remained for the duration of the site's life.

At the end of June and then start of July this year, in celebration of our friendship and longevity, me and my sub-Administrator and trusted friend, Rew, were preparing the second anniversary celebration of our beloved board. And all was going well... or so we thought.

It was barely a week before the birthday, and the site went down. Now, we had experienced a myriad of problems before in the history of this site, but this time it was different. This time, it was not just any passing blip. This time, I knew the site had had it. It appeared that the actual owner of the site had ceased payments... despite personal offers from other members to sell the site off.

And what happened thereafter? Simple. The strong and civilised community that had formed simply fell apart and splintered like a Ming vase being struck with a hammer. And what's left? Nothing but a few measely offshoot sites and a disgusting billboard where our glorious site used to be.

I, having arguably put the most into the site in it's two year history, have actually taken it pretty badly. It's probably not rational, true... but the effort I had put into that place and the cohesion that I had orchestrated was something that made me, dare I say, proud on the inside. And thus, it was pretty crushing to loose it all... not to mention the hours... days... weeks of my life that I surrendered working on there.

Right now, I'm really scraping the barrel trying to find a decent online community to settle down in... but I really don't think I'll ever really find a replacement.

I salute you, CubeMasters.Com.

Well hello there... [REVISED]

2005-08-02T02:30:00.000+01:00

Heya! I'm Alex and this is my blog. Fuck, I never thought I'd be saying that.

I guess I should really tell you why I decided to get, and what I intend to use this here captain's log for. The answer's pretty simple. Basically, I just want a small bit of turf in which I can get stuff off of my chest. I don't really give a toss what the subject matter of what I have on my mind is... be it politics, entertainment or personal experiences or opinions, they'll all get posted as I see fit.

And let's be honest... I have way too much time on my hands. I'm sure this'll come in handy when wondering what to do at 4 in the morning.

Oh yeah, and one final addition: I'm looking to press this thing into use in about a week or so... as soon as I get a reasonable amount of content.